Welcome to 2017.
We’ve got 365 days to focus on self-improvement, striving for what Oprah calls living our better life. Which is a whole lot easier if you’re Oprah and you’re sitting around on bean-bag chairs stuffed with $100 bills. Ah, but bitterness was the 2016 us, not the 2017 model.
In 2017, we will eat only locally grown, organic foods. We will wear only organic fabrics on our backs. And we will Play 60 like the NFL tells us to do.
But not today.
We’re going to spend Jan. 1 on our coach, in our jammies, surrounded by Cheetos and Coke Zero. You don’t want to rush such major life changes, right? You need to ease into the new, improved you slowly.
We’d invite you to join us, but the place is a mess, with Christmas wrapping paper all over the kitchen table and that new electric toothbrush still sitting, in its box, on top of the pile. That’s another 2017 resolution: Better oral hygiene, maybe even some flossing.
But not today.
This is a time to indulge your inner sloth and put off till tomorrow anything you could have accomplished today. Luckily, TV is here to help, with marathons galore:
* This year’s Syfy “Twilight Zone” marathon — continuing until 3 a.m. Tuesday — includes classic episodes airing from 7 to 10 tonight that were selected by viewers, voting on the network’s website.
* If you’re looking for a new home planet (admittedly, Earth is pretty messed up), BBC America welcomes 2017 with a marathon of “Star Trek: Voyager.”
* CMT goes all in on Burt Reynolds today, showing his popular “Smokey & The Bandit” movies starting at 11 a.m. A 2016 “Bandit” special featuring cast members airs at 6 p.m.
* On CNBC, New Year’s Day is a day filled with entrepreneurs pitching products during a “Shark Tank” marathon.
* Discovery invites viewers to spend today in the Great White North with its “Alaska: The Last Frontier” marathon, starting at 7 a.m.
* Looking for laughs? Tune into FXX for its marathon of “The Simpsons.”
* Still looking for laughs? Go to TBS for its marathon of “The Big Bang Theory.” Watching the hit sitcom can even make you feel smarter! Or, at the least, give you a working knowledge of comic book superheroes.
* If watching Tom Selleck and his extended family keep New York City safe on Friday nights isn’t enough for you, check out the “Blue Bloods” marathon on ION TV.
* On AMC, you can catch up with the network’s zombie hit “The Walking Dead,” with enough splayed brains and other gore to keep you going all day and night.
* The USA Network offers up a marathon of “Law & Order: Special Victims Unit.”
* Turner Classic Movies offers a marathon of Alfred Hitchcock movies, starting at 5 this morning with “Rope” and ending with “The Trouble With Harry” in the wee hours (3:30 a.m. Monday). “Psycho” starts at 12:30 p.m., and our favorite — “Rear Window” — is on tonight at 9:15.
And if you’re ready for some football, the final regular season NFL games are today, starting at noon. The Green Bay Packers are visiting the Detroit Lions tonight on NBC. The network, which counts on huge ratings every Sunday from football, got lucky. Tonight’s game actually means something. The winner gets the coveted NFC North crown.
As for the rest of our home division: The Chicago Bears close out their terrible, no good, very bad season by visiting the Minnesota Vikings, who started the season 5-0 and then collapsed. That game airs at noon on Fox.
Monday starts our new healthy regimen ... oh, except the Cotton Bowl is Monday (noon on ESPN). Since our Badgers are playing, we really can’t miss it. And then there’s the Rose Bowl at 4 p.m. Monday, also on ESPN. And we’ll be up Monday morning, watching the Rose Bowl Parade (10 a.m. on ABC and HGTV). But Tuesday for sure we’re jogging at 5 a.m. ...