I have been asking you — actually, begging and cajoling, to no avail — not to watch the Golden Globe Awards for more than a decade.
The Golden Globes is a boring, muddled mess of a show.
Yes, yes, I know the Hollywood awards season starts in earnest tonight with the Globes ceremony, which producers bill as a glamorous, glitzy, liquored-up party that viewers would be crazy to miss.
In reality, the Globes are a sorry excuse for a live television event — and an even sorrier excuse for a show business award.
Every year, however, despite my warning, millions of people across the country tune in.
In the past, I did have some hope that the Globes would sparkle with the addition of comedian Ricky Gervias, as host. Too bad he went for a mean, not witty, tone. Next came TV’s favorite gal pal comedians, Amy Pohler and Tina Fey.
Alas, even Pohler and Fey — who have generated laughs together since their days on “Saturday Night Live” — fell prey to the curse of the Golden Globes.
They were amusing — while they were on stage — with jokes about Hollywood’s “beautiful people of film rubbing shoulders with the rat-faced people of television” and the absence of actress Meryl Streep. “She has the flu, and I hear she’s amazing in it,” Poehler joked.
The trouble with the Golden Globes is, once the show starts, it quickly devolves into a stream of celebrities standing on stage, handing out awards to other celebrities, with very little to break the monotony.
This year, I have to admit, the Globes producers were very clever. They have enlisted “Tonight Show” host Jimmy Fallon to emcee the awards. Fallon specializes in goofy fun, so I hold out hope that at least the opening of the show will be entertaining.
Why do I hate the Globes so much? Because they’re hooey. Basically, all Hollywood awards consist of rich celebrities handing out hardware to other rich celebrities, but at least the Academy Awards aren’t fronted by a shadowy organization prone to giving statuettes to the studio that hosted the best free buffet.
The Golden Globes are awarded by the Hollywood Foreign Press Association (to use the term “association” very loosely), which as a group enjoys a reputation slightly above the U.S. Congress. Very slightly.
No one would talk about the awards at all if not for two things:
* The Globes have carefully cultivated a reputation as a spontaneous counterpart to the staid Oscars.
* The Globes have also convinced everyone in Hollywood that they have a strong history of forecasting eventual Oscar winners. This is more true in some years than others.
In the past decade, the Globes have predicted Oscar winners about 60 percent of the time. Not bad, but not better than your average movie fan can do.
The Hollywood Foreign Press Association claims just 83 members. And just what exactly is this HFPA? The association describes itself as a group of foreign journalists who cover Hollywood. In reality, they are grifters who lap up studio freebies and have a pay-or-play approach to nominations that would make a Congressman blush.
The group also nominates high-profile celebrities in order to up the star wattage on its annual awards banquet. More stars means more money paid by NBC to broadcast the show.
So, instead of wasting hours of your finite life watching the Golden Globes, why not figure out a way to cheaply mass-produce an electric car? Or, if you really want to settle on the couch tonight, check out “Sherlock” on PBS or a new episode of “Madam Secretary” on CBS. Turner Classic Movies is showing the great offbeat comedy “Annie Hall” at 7 p.m. ... or you can just relax quietly and recuperate from a long weekend of NFL playoff games.
In fact, the Packers game should be ending just before these Globes gear up.
That means local fans will either be crying in their beer (darn those pesky New York Giants!) or celebrating a victory (love our Green-and-Gold heroes!)
Either way, stock up on the chips and dip.
What: The 74th annual Golden Globes, with host Jimmy Fallon
When: 7 to 10 tonight on NBC
Bonus: Meryl Streep will receive the Cecil B. DeMille Award.
Red carpet shows: A live red carpet arrivals show starts at 6 p.m. on NBC. Cable’s E! entertainment network also has a red carpet show, starting at 5 p.m. On Monday night, the E! network airs a “Fashion Police” show on the Golden Globes at 7 p.m.